I’M JUST A LITTLE BLUE… THAT’S ALL

3 June 2010

Hot Hot Thursday (31 Degree Celsius)

Early Night @ 1930 (Singapore Time)

Listen: 很想说 by 李圣杰

Mood: *Sad*

I am feeling a little depressed, a little blue. Of all the things I could have done, do it better and for the lost opportunities in life, I could have, for example do this and that but to what end…

I am hence, depressed. Because of my helplessness and a sense of hopelessness perverted my waking minutes and permeates my sleeping nights. Here I am, striving so hard to be as good as I can be and better than all mere mortals but alas, to what end…

I was on course for the past 3 days. I spent my time looking at others’ presentation and mine. I can’t help but notice some of their passion and conviction that things are and will be better. Some speak with such fervor that I secretly marvel at their speech, which I admit, seldom did/do, knowing my egoistical pride. However, most are just plain old mediocre, trying to find their way home. I don’t blame them… like I said, if everyone is Mozart, Bach, Einstein or Hilter, who be Tan Ah Kow? But I blame their fucking brains for screwing them up, pretend-play them up to be an egoistic fucker. What they do basically is sucking up, day in and out, and with a little luck along the way.

Luck, the quiessential of life. Most opportunities and special privileges start off as luck. That is why, of the things that you do, could have done it better and intending to do, you should have just stayed home and watches the turtles swim. It is more rewarding, the act itself, than anything else in the world. Like my friend who started catch-&-release fishing, you seriously cannot find better joy than this.

I kept silence the entire proceeding, while the bugs make, affirm and contest. Most people seem awestruck by one chap, dominating the entire dialogue. I could have pointed out the apparent flaws in his argument and belittled him but alas, to what end. He is my friend, a very useful ally and besides, to what end. Sure, there are pretty things in the session, there are ego-boosting opportunities abound, but like I said, to what purpose… Let the people have their Gods and they will behave.

My department internal audit was on Tuesday, where I prod, show and happily answered any questions raised. Of course, with my mighty, wise, awesome (etc) leadership, showmanship, it is obvious that I will pass with flying colour. Also, this year marks the first time I am representing the department for the Audit. So all credits and discredits will solely be… Mine. Obviously, no one, clerks or Management staffs will sabo me. I make this my personal crusade to prove to the whole fucking world that I, Mighty Woodstock, is and am more than capable to lead the department.

Needless to say, my HOD and his capable deputies (so to speak) aren’t around, conveniently disappeared in thin air (busy day they say). Even at audit closing time, my HOD was busy fidgeting with some electronic stuffs instead of paying attention. This I blame it, in its entirety on him, his laissez-faire attitude with his underlings, his ball-lessness with the many mistake people made and his overly dependent on his worthless war-mongering secretary and insecurity. He don’t care about whatever big stuffs that is/are happening around him and instead, only make time for little division, playing us against the other. What the fuck… yup, what the fuck…

As time goes by, with such a boss in charge, you think I will be so motivated to make sure my department is going to survive the various changes? I don’t think so… As I was telling my Ang-mo friend, fuck it, I’m leaving.

My one and only, sole joy in life is seeing my little Claire sleeping ever so soundly and peacefully in my arms daily (while mummy is taking her shower). And I know, when all things go south, she and my Snoopy can make it better, simply be by my side.

Daddy loves you, Snoopy and Claire. So much, so much…